Communication might be the missing key to finding balance and restoring your connection.

Do You Feel Like You’re Giving More Than Receiving in Your Relationship?

You’re constantly juggling schedules, sacrificing time, and ensuring everything runs smoothly. But instead of feeling appreciated, you feel… invisible. You wonder if your partner notices all you do—or if they assume you’re just fine handling it all.

When communication feels strained, it’s easy to fall into this cycle. Resentment builds, conversations spiral into defensiveness, and soon, you’re not just frustrated about the tasks—you’re frustrated with each other.

But here’s the truth: It doesn’t have to be this way. Working on how you communicate with your partner can help you feel cared for, secure, and truly understood.

Why Communication Matters

Poor communication doesn’t just affect the words we say—or don’t say.  

Poor communication creates arguments over small things and misinterpretations. Then the stories we tell ourselves when our partner after the poor communication becomes a self-fulfilling loop.

Does this sound familiar?

• “If they cared, they’d notice how much I do.”

• “I shouldn’t have to ask—they should just know.”

These thoughts creep in, adding fuel to the fire. But the good news? Communication is a skill you can learn and practice—one that can shift how you and your partner relate to each other.

Small Conversations, Big Changes

Take Linda and Lionel*, for example. (*Not their real names.)

Linda had been feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated. Every time Lionel left for his two-hour gym sessions, she was left juggling the household responsibilities. It wasn’t that she didn’t want him to take care of himself—she just wished she had the same opportunity without having to ask for it or coordinate all the things that needed to be done while she was gone.

At first, Linda kept her feelings to herself. She grumbled through the chores, hoping Lionel would notice her frustration. He didn’t. And the longer it went on, the more resentment built.

Previously, Linda would over sacrifice, become overly tasked focused and only fun with they were at a social engagement. 

After working in counseling, Linda tried something new: she approached Lionel calmly and stated her need directly. “I need help getting back to the gym,” she said. No long list of reasons, no blame—just a clear ask.

Lionel’s response surprised her: “I can get up earlier to hit the gym at 4:50 a.m. a couple of days a week. That way, I’m home during family hours, and you can have your time too.”

That simple conversation shifted everything. What could have been a fight became a solution. Both Linda and Lionel felt like their needs were valued, and their relationship felt more balanced—because they worked on their communication.

How Counseling Can Help Healthy Communication

This is what’s possible when you prioritize healthy communication.

In our sessions, we’ll explore how to:

• Understand your emotion in the context of the relationship

• Express your needs with clarity that gets heard by your partner.

• Navigate conflict without defensiveness.

• Rebuild trust and connection in your relationship.

Let’s Figure This Out Together

If you’ve been feeling frustrated, stuck, or just plain exhausted trying to make things work, you don’t have to do it alone. Sometimes, a little extra help can make a huge difference.

In our sessions, we’ll work on practical tools for better communication, setting boundaries, and getting back to a place where you both feel supported and connected.

Sound like what you need? Let’s chat. Click here to schedule a consultation—I’d love to help you find that balance and connection you’re looking for.

Calm the Thanksgiving Stress: Tips for Managing Anxiety and Anger

Yes, it is possible to feel Gratitude in the Chaos of Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving can feel like the Olympics of emotional triggers, especially if you're someone who battles generalized anxiety.

Maybe it’s the expectation to feel joy when you’re managing all the hospitality tasks.

Maybe it’s how you want to enjoy the company but feel on edge with detected you-know-who’s judgemental microexpressions. 

Or it's not even it’s the physical toll of showing up for everyone after a short but intense week at work (maybe even extra school events)—with the persistent tension in your upper back, or the fatigue that seems to settle into your bones. 

You’re not alone in this. Many of us feel the stress bubbling beneath the surface, making it hard to truly relax.

But here’s the thing: none of this is a surprise to you. 

That’s good news in a way because we can prepare for these moments. Just like we train for the big challenges in life, we can train for Thanksgiving too—not to win, but to simply get through it with more ease and less frustration.

Coping with Holiday Stress with a Plan

If you’re reading this far, you’re looking for tips so you're on the right track. 

1. What are you responding to?

If you’ve noticed Thanksgiving brings out that sense of overwhelm, start by identifying what tends to send your anxiety spiraling. 

Consider sensory reasons for feeling on edge:

• Is it the chaos of too many people talking at once, music and football game?

• Is it having to hear people chew and speak at the same time?

Is perfectionism creeping up in some ways:

• The fear of saying or doing the “wrong” thing? 

• Pressure to look like you have it all together?

Search for ways to improve in self responsibility:

• How do you respond to the most annoying person in the room? 

• How do you contribute to the overwhelm this week?

Once you know your triggers, you can create a plan to create more calm moments.

2. How will you respond?

The reality is that Thanksgiving is around the corner so not much is in your control to change. Therefore, we are going to respond with small practices that can be repeated.

The Power of Small Practices

1. Anchor Yourself: When you feel anxiety rising, focus on your breath to use grounding techniques. Notice something you can see, something you can touch, and something you can hear. This simple reset helps bring you back to the present moment while forcing you to stop the momentum of a ruminating thought.

2. Set Boundaries Ahead of Time: If family dynamics are a source of tension, plan ahead for how much time you’ll spend and what topics you’ll engage in. Plan to politely redirect a conversation or step away either entirely or for a moment to regroup. Remember that a boundary is not an ultimatum. You are preplanning an ‘if/then’ option for yourself. 

3. Let Go of Perfection: Thanksgiving doesn’t have to look like a picture-perfect holiday card. You don’t have to say that you love work. Your children don’t have to be immune to sugar crashes. It’s okay if things go sideways— roll with it. Give yourself permission to be human.

3. How will you recover?

With gratitude, of course.

It is no secret that gratitude has a profoundly positive effect on recovering from stressful situations.

Gratitude isn’t about pretending everything is perfect or ignoring the hard stuff.

Gratitude is easier to feel in reflection moments. It is easier when we extend grace to people who are flawed. 

Gratitude can become less about obligation and more about empowerment when you are working on your anxiety and irritability. 

Training for Life Beyond Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is just one storm in a lifetime. By making this a practice now, you’re building the resilience to navigate anxiety, not just during the holidays but in everyday life. 

It’s about being proactive, recognizing your patterns, and giving yourself grace when things feel hard.

Because at the end of the day, finding gratitude isn’t about forcing a feeling—it’s about choosing calm over chaos, even if that choice needs to be made over and over again. 

And that’s something worth celebrating.

6 Effective Ways to Beat Procrastination

Procrastination is the habit of putting off doing important things for later. According to the American Psychological Association, about 20% of men and women in the U.S. are chronic procrastinators. Another study shows that about a quarter of Americans procrastinate at some level.

Procrastination affects your life negatively by taking away essential opportunities. And it does not end there. Studies show that chronic procrastinators are also likely to suffer from cardiovascular disease and hypertension.

You can overcome procrastination with the right guidance and determination. Here we lay down six effective ways that can help you beat procrastination and achieve goals.

Create a to-do list

The first thing you need to do is make a list of things you have to get done. Be realistic while making this list, and don’t overburden yourself by listing every task imaginable because you won’t do all of them. Break down these tasks into smaller, more achievable targets and categorize them as goals for the day, week, and month. Deconstructing them will make it easier for you to finish them.

Pick the most challenging tasks first

Start with the most challenging task, the one you have been avoiding for the longest. Getting even a part of it done will keep you motivated for the rest of the day. It will also make you happier, and the sense of achievement will keep you inspired enough to check off everything else on the list.

Set a routine

Having a set routine helps you stay focused and avoid procrastination. Identify the time when you are at your most efficient. Most people are energetic in the morning. If you are one of them, dedicate your mornings to essential tasks. It will help you stick to a routine and convert it into a habit.

Eliminate distractions

Distractions don’t look like much, but they eat away a lot of productive energy and time. Try switching off your phone while working; it will help you get a lot more done. Get rid of all the distractions like mobile phones, television, or even music.

Don’t let failures pull you down

We cannot expect to succeed every time. If you can’t achieve your goals on certain days, don’t let it stop you from trying the next day. It would help if you redirected yourself, think positively, and stay motivated to pick up right where you quit.

Appreciate yourself

With all the effort and hard work you are putting in to achieve your goals, you need to give yourself time to relax once in a while. Do something you love—watch a movie or pursue a hobby. Spend time with friends and family to relieve the stress. It will help you recuperate and focus on your goals with even more vigor.

About Coaching & Counseling CT

Our counselor Elena and performance coach Chris will help you identify the issues fueling your procrastination and guide you to resolve them so you can excel in academics and at work. You can call us at 1475 8975 197 to book an appointment. You can also fill our online contact form to get in touch.

5 Myths About Marriage Counseling

According to a study published in goodtherapy.com, emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT) has helped 70% of couples recover from marital agony. 

Even then, most of us are skeptical about marriage counseling. We only decide to reach out to a counselor when we are in pain, and nothing seems to work. We are intimidated by the idea of seeking therapy because of the vulnerability it involves. Not everyone is comfortable sitting in front of a counselor and divulging their life’s most intimate details.

Several misconceptions about marriage counseling have only made matters worse. A lot of couples believe them and don’t seek therapy when they should. As a result, a marriage that could have worked comes undone.     

Therefore, here we debunk the five most common myths about marriage counseling to help you sort out fact from fiction.

Marriage counseling always leads to divorce

Many people fear that taking the help of a therapist will lead to divorce instead of saving their marriage. This is not true. Going to a therapist means you want to work on your relationship and do everything you can to keep it. 

Seeing a therapist allows you the opportunity to have the much-needed dialogue in front of an impartial third person, understand each other’s perspective and theirs, and get professional help if needed. 

The therapist will take sides

A good therapist will remain neutral and help clear the differences between the two of you. One person may get more follow-up or attention during some sessions, but that doesn't mean the therapist is taking their side.

A therapist can solve all your problems

No one can. A therapist's job is to understand what is going wrong and how to make it right. They are there to help you see your mistakes and your partner’s point of view. They can guide you and your partner in the right direction, but ultimately, the two of you will have to decide and put in efforts to make your relationship work.

Therapy takes forever

Short-term therapies spanning over 8 to 20 sessions each week works for most couples. These sessions address specific concerns, misunderstandings, or issues causing friction. Meanwhile, long-term therapy usually lasts for one year or more and focuses on solving behavioral problems that are putting a strain on your relationship. 

Marriage counseling is costly

Another reason that stops couples from approaching a therapist is their belief that therapists charge a lot. But we forget that medical insurance can cover some sessions under the crisis intervention clause. Opt for short-term therapies; they take less time and are pocket friendly.

About Coaching & Counseling CT

If your marriage is going through a rough patch and looking for counseling to navigate, Coaching and Counseling CT should be your one-stop destination. Our counselors Elena and Chris will help you identify the underlying issues and guide you to resolve them to go back to living a happy married life. You can call us at 1475 8975 197 to book an appointment. You can also fill out our online contact form to get in touch.

How to Disagree Like a Pro and Create Opportunities Like a Champ (in business and in life).

Few things are more difficult than forging strong relationships. Every relationship presents difficult challenges. Boundaries must be established and bad influences must be handled with care. 

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Let’s face it. You’re going to have disagreements with others. You’ll never find another person that agrees with you 100% of the time. Whether you’re at work, home, or out in public, there will be times that you disagree with someone. 

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Growing your ability to deal effectively with these disagreements is a pretty good use of your time. You can solve a lot of challenges and avoid many issues if you have effective communication skills.

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Check out how to turn disagreements into agreements

with the following strategies:

• Decide if the situation is worth a disagreement. Time is our most valuable commodity. When it comes time to invest it into a disagreement, how much is that time worth versus you doing something more growth oriented and joyful? Take your time, focus, and energy MORE seriously.
  
  

• Ensure that you understand what the other person is saying. It’s easy to misunderstand. Maybe there’s not a disagreement at all. Before you open your mouth, clarify what the other person is saying. You might be pleasantly surprised to discover that there’s nothing to argue about.
  
  

• Monitor your emotions. Notice when your anger is beginning to grow. When your emotions are running high, your ability to make rational decisions goes out the window. Either learn to calm yourself or walk away until you’ve cooled off.
  
  

• Avoid making it personal. There’s a difference between saying, “I think what you’re saying is inaccurate” versus “Only an idiot would think that.” Address the words or behavior without attacking the person.
  
  

• Choose the right time to raise a concern. A family reunion isn’t the right time to address the household budget. Be reasonable and give some warning if possible. “I’d like to discuss the issue between you and my sister. Can we talk about it tonight?”
  
  

• Agree on the purpose of the disagreement. Is the purpose to be right or to determine the truth? Or is the purpose to find a common middle ground? If you both have the same objective, it will be much easier to find a solution that makes both of you happy.
  
  
  

• Allow the other person to save face. If someone backs themselves into a corner, give them a chance to get out without losing face. Practice kindness. Give everyone enough space to avoid feeling embarrassed.

The world is full of people, and it isn’t always possible to get along with them 100% of the time. Disagreements WILL happen and each disagreement is an OPPORTUNITY  to improve or degrade a relationship.

Which strategy resonates with you above??

How to Conquer Your Self Sabotage and Become Happier

How Being a Rebellious Rebel is Ruining Your Happiness

Each and everyone of us has some steel in us (some more than others). However, there are those of us who either consciously or unconsciously double down on that “hardness”. If you’re someone that is concerned with becoming successful and wants to experience success in all of  its fullness AND haven’t yet, then chances are this is the reason why. 

Since success is subjective, our ability to attract and deflect it lies solely on how we begin to understand what being successful actually means to us specifically. Some people may feel success can be as simple as being happy you opened your eyes to see another day. For others,  it could mean financial security.

Whatever people’s own personal success definition is, one thing is for certain, it is their individual responsibility to take the necessary steps to receive it and become the person who can. 

“Get Rich or Die Tryin'' was the title to the debut studio album released by rapper 50 Cent back in 2003. Considering the financial success of the empire he has built, this title alludes to his motivation on delivering on that mantra (as do many others). 

Get rich = make the type of money that exceeds the norm

Die trying = the pursuit of the goal before death comes for you

Is the point of life to get rich? Is that what he means? Or is it a means to create more opportunities for yourself and others while you can? 

A physical death is inevitable and awaits for us all. A mental, emotional and spiritual death can be had while still breathing! Many of us do an exceptional job at building up walls keeping success from us. If this happens to be you, you may be conducting an act of unconscious rebellion. 

REBELLION. TO REBEL. TO RESIST. SURVIVE!

Every living thing on the planet is wired for survival. Even something as small as a gnat looks to escape being killed by a swatting hand. As human beings, our survival instincts (fight or flight mechanisms) can be used in inappropriate ways and sometimes, we can live life just like a bug.

Getting out of the way of a car so as not to get hit is a reflex, just like a gnat who does the Ali shuffle around your floundering hand. No thinking involved, just reaction. 

How annoying would it be to have to always escape danger? It’s anxiety provoking and in order to NOT have to feel anxious all the time, building an attitude of resistance is the next best thing and more prepared we are. We build a reflex to win quickly so that we can carry on. 

Ever try having a conversation and a gnat starts doing it’s gnat thing, being super annoying, like the silent “G” in its name.

Buzz. Swat. Whiff. Ignore. 

Buzz. Swat. Whiff. Kind of ignored.

Buzz. SWAT. WHIFF. WTfuhhhhhhh!?

Ok, this is getting out of hand, and now you are faced with a choice. Respond by wiping off your sweat, moving to another spot, etc or react and focus on the KILL! 

KILLING IS MY BUSINESS LADIES AND BIZZ.NESS. IS. GOOD! (tell me you know what line that movie is from!!!!)

What a scene! Two gangsters going hard at each other. Who wins? Who reached success? Who knows? All that I know is that little encounter, to me, symbolizes the Get Rich or Die Trying mantra. 

Success is a FEELING and the things that make you FEEL successful (I killed the gnat, I get to end the annoyance  AND I get to stay right where I prefer to stay on my terms) is the goal (until the next gnat comes along because, you know, insects in the summer). 

So how do we keep KILLING our own success? How do we keep whiffing on the feeling we REALLY want to feel? 

By remaining AND relying on our basic instincts influence a majority of our decisions. Fight or Flight. The role of the Victim or The REBEL!

The REBELLIOUS REBEL

What are the characteristics of the rebellious rebel type? It’s someone who loves control. It’s someone who thinks with a “conflict consciousness”. They feel STRONGLY. They believe that the majority of  their actions are justified. They love living on “their terms”. Being super authentic is their jam and something they take pride in. 

Rebellious Rebels are concerned with being right and WINNING (but at the expense of someone, something else losing). They can’t fathom ever being wrong, because if they were to acknowledge they are, they would feel defenseless, scared, and controlled. They say what people want to hear but do ONLY what they want. 

Sounds like an annoying person right? Sound like you? Sound like someone you know? Sound like it could be you in isolated instances? 

Everyone is or has been a rebellious rebel at some point and in some parts of their life and presents in challenges with their:

Weight management and health, time management, communication style, inability to foster collaboration, finishing projects, staying consistent and organized, paying bills on time, being intimate, developing or staying is a loving relationship, commitment issues,  the list goes on and on and on. 

The rebellious rebel is very much the opposite of its counterpart (the purrty little people pleaser). The “R.R” is not concerned with backing down or avoiding and running away from a fight! Nope, conflict is how they roll (and even how they prefer to get to the truth). Self - sacrificing and putting themselves last NOT cool, even if they do it for a bit. 

A rebellious rebel LOVES “keeping it real”. 

“Real'' familiar that is. The land of the familiar is a place the R.R. loves to play. My way has and always will be “the right way” despite the messaging I am getting from the outside world or even my own body!

If you never were able to get into the body you wanted, despite multiple efforts, there is a high probability you have  become familiar with “disappointment”. Therefore you may “resist” against finding another way of getting fit and staying committed long enough to produce the outcome you seek. 

Get Fit or Die Tryin’.

If you are someone who struggled for a large portion of your life and had to “fight” for everything you have, there is a high probability you may identify with NEEDING things to be hard, challenging and chaotic so you can bring your “best stuff” and  feel “successful”. 

Get Tough or Die Tryin’

If you never were able to make the kind of money you want despite all of your efforts, there is a high probability that you might become familiar with “struggle and frustration” thus you take certain actions (and inactions) that attract those situations. 

Get Rich or Die Tryin’.

Living in the familiar can work for AND against you. If you are familiar with ease, peace, and what it takes to experience those feelings, then life is HIGH ENERGY. Adversely, if you are familiar with frustration, anger, and feeling misunderstood, then the results of that LOW ENERGY will award you with being the “Undisputed, Undefeated, Rebellious Champion of the WORLLLLLD!”

TIME TO REMOVE YOUR EMOTIONAL CHAOS AND KILL YOUR REBEL

Stop acting like you have it all together! It’s ok to accept that you aren't perfect and there is work to do. Persist eliminating your resistance. 

Your philosophy on how you do things isn’t working as well as you want it to. If you do not have…..

Your money where you want it to be

Deeply connected relationships 

A calm and relaxed mindset

A sense of relaxation and ease

Faith that things will work out

The ability to start and finish projects

In the healthiest body you could be in

A sense of playfulness and overall joyful temperament

A sense of direction to where your life is going

A real sense of self and high self-esteem

More productive days verse busy days

A flexible mindset that allows you to learn and adapt

…...then I suggest instead of searching for success, put your focus on the walls you built up around allowing success to find you! 

In order to end the chaos YOU create internally AND externally, start learning how to kill your REBEL by doing the following:

NAME YOUR LITTLE B### (brat that is) 

Since blame is the name of the game of the rebellious rebel, taking personal responsibility may be difficult (at first). So in order to make the first baby steps towards “owning it”, blame the part of you that resists doing what it takes to feel what real success is for you. 

Ex: For someone who feels as if they have a million things to do and is overwhelmed BUT refuses to write things down and COMMIT to getting organized because their BRAT prefers to “wing-it”, call the BRAT out by its name. 

Hey (insert brat’s name)! STOP! You are not helping me here. I no longer need your coaching and philosophy. I am currently in the process of becoming more organized and present. I am pursuing focused on what it feels like to be calm.  

IDENTIFY WHAT SUCCESS FEELS LIKE TO YOU

As I mentioned earlier. Success is a feeling, nothing more. Since feelings can be experienced before a tangible, scalable end goal is met, it’s important to determine what are the specific FEELINGS you want to experience each and every day. 

I have a client who is very successful financially. He is able to do this through hard work, dedication, and the willingness to WIN. His challenge was in the way he was going about his success. 

He had built up a tremendous defense system against ever being controlled (his unconscious fear). Therefore, one of his strengths was his ability to create compelling arguments based on facts. Being a very intelligent person, he relied on his logic and the proven systems and logic of others to come to his conclusions. Therefore, he could never be wrong. 

The thing is though, in relationships, especially intimate ones, logic seldom trumps LOVE (and we all know how illogical  love can be). 

So a large portion of our work together was learning how to be “happy” versus being “right” and speaking more from his heart  than his head FIRST. He learned how to rely on using his logic to impact a financial bottom line in business, and his heart to impact his EMOTIONAL bottom line in his relationships. 

LET IT GO AND LET IT FLOW

There is a path to prosperity and abundance of positive emotional well being. Check out the bulleted points below.

• Absolute Passion -7

• Joy - 6

• Peace - 5

• Compassion - 4

• Forgiveness - 3

• Anger - 2

• Apathy - 1

From 1 - 7 you may be able to notice the difference in ENERGY that each word holds with number 1 & 2 being signifying low emotional energy. If you are confused as to why “anger” is considered a low energy word, it is because it contains a low energetic vibe (even if it feels empowering because of its lack of sustainability).

The word “forgiveness” in the third slot is the first level at which you can begin to create some sustainability and “breathing” room in your mind and body. 

All words 4 - 7 are where the “good life” lives. It's where connection, empathy, intuition, opportunity, creativity, collaboration, purpose, presence, and THE MONEY is! 

Read through the words again and imagine the times you experienced each emotion. What were you thinking? What were you doing? Who were you doing it with? What else comes up?

If you are experiencing LESS of the words in purple, then my friend, you are rebelling against generating those feelings by living in the red words AND even the BLUE word. 

EVEN the blue word, FORGIVENESS, how? Although being able to forgive allows you to move away from resistance and away from harboring resentment, blame, anger and feelings of entitlement, the energetic vibration of forgiveness can leave the door of  toleration and complacency open.  

Forgiveness is a GREAT beginning, but not the end. Create an energy of forgiveness so you can let GO of the people who you feel traumatized by. Learn to use forgiveness to break from your resentment, fear and struggle. Use it to break your addiction to the feeling of disappointment and 100% use it  to break free from your rejection issues (even the ones you prevented to never feel as you observed how others got rejected). 

STEP INTO REALITY AND LEAVE FANTASY ISLAND

It can be a real wake up call to take ownership. Realizing you always have had the ability to make each and every decision prior to, during, and after the fact of any event can be scary. It can also be LIBERATING!

Ask yourself these questions. 

• Did I come into my relationship with the secret expectation of my significant getting my needs met?

• Where do I choose conflict in my life? With whom? 

• Where do I create chaos in my life?

• How often do I expect people to have the ability to read my mind so I don’t have to articulate myself?

• On a scale of 1-10, how patient am I?

• How much do I expect others to be exactly like me?

• How addicted am I to drama, really?

• Where has jealousy helped me “test” if someone actually loves me?

• How often do I allow my challenges with abandonment to make me be nice and kind, even when I don’t want (so I can make sure they never leave me)?

• Why do I prefer to believe the lie that working in crisis mode makes me bring my best stuff?

• Where am I being inauthentic?

• What would happen if I reallocated my focus away from win/loss scenarios? 

• Why do I resent people?

• What aspects of others do I absolutely despise and how do they mirror those aspects in me?

• Where has FOMO (the fear of missing out) become more important than producing results that will give me the life I deserve?

If you resonate with any of those questions and really take the time to answer them in a journal, congrats! You are in the process of awareness and forgiveness! 

That’s amazing! Not even kidding! Listen, you are an amazing person. You got the goods, the juice. You have the ability to “kill your master, aka, the REBELLIOUS REBEL inside of you. You can absolutely become a success RIGHT NOW if you choose to. Will it take work? Absolutely! Will it be worth it? Absolutely! 

I would love to hear from you. If you want to ever have a serious conversation about what possibilities await for you when you address some of the challenges mentioned above so that you can experience more connections, harmony, peace, presence, and purpose in your life email me at chris@coachingandcounslingct.com .

When you do, please put in the subject heading “Want a Powerful Conversation”. I will reach back out within 48 hours. 

In the interim, if you have Facebook, hit me with a friend request so you can get more access to my stuff. 

https://www.facebook.com/christophermichaeljackson

Peace and Blessings friend!

~ Coach Chris

How to Win at Work, Home, and Everywhere Else!

All I do is win, win, win no matter what!

That song never gets old for me. It literally makes me smile as I bob my head while pointing my finger in the air, spitting out the words like a declaration of past accomplishments and victories to come. 

I love the feeling of winning. Don’t you? I mean, what’s the alternative? Losing? No thank you. 

This article is all about the energy of winning and how to experience more of it and what it means for you and everyone else in your circle of influence. 

So, when it comes to winning well, how do we get this done? One word. Awareness! Winning is a feeling. It’s an expression, and emotion. It can also be a goal. No matter what it is, I want to make this very clear right away: winning is a way of being. 

Being that we are humans, we have a vast array of emotions and even more opportunities to explore and express them. 

If you were able to fully and appropriately express your thoughts/feelings, and help others do the same, what might be the benefit to you, those around you, and your overall satisfaction of your job and home life? 

Our behaviors and the actions we take are heavily influenced by the way we want to feel. Those feelings are elicited by a core thought, whether conscious or unconscious. 

Everything we experience has a purpose and emotions are the signals for our mind and body to notice and act upon. This is why it is imperative to build our emotional awareness to a place in which you realize that our emotions are not automatic, but come from our interpretations of an events. 

Perspective is everything.

The lens in which you view the world are influenced by the way you take in information and make value judgments on that information according to our values, beliefs, and thoughts. Thus, the combination informs us how we are indeed, experiencing winning and losing. 

There is a framework that I teach in which I refer to “above the line living”. 

Above the line living is a space where I invite people to play to experience a more expansive lifestyle, one where the judgement we have on ourselves and others lessen. This is extremely freeing and allows for a more authentic way of being. It’s where the “real” winning is done. It’s a place where you can experience more joy, peace, acceptance, patience, synergy, smiles, high fives and money.

Yes! Money! Who like ease money (not easy money - but I will take that too!)

So what does this framework look like and how can I use it to win at work, home and everywhere else? I’ll show you.

Above the Line Living

Below are 7 different levels or lenses in which you can see the world. You will notice that each level has a noun designated to it as well as a core thought (T), emotion (E), and action (A).  Also for each level, you will also notice different ways winning and losing shows up with the associate words and phrases. As you read through the list below, take a mental note where it is in your life you tend to play and with whom. 

7 - The Creator

Thought - Non Judgement

Emotion - Absolute Passion

Action - Creation

win/lose:  no such thing as winning and losing

words/phrases: life is not a game to be won or lost, only played, unconditional love, there is no good or bad, right or wrong, fearlessness

6 - The Visionary

Thought - Synthesis

Emotion - Joy

Action - Wisdom

win/lose:  everyone wins all of the time

words/phrases: we, empathy, intuition, everything has meaning/value, oneness, help others  realize their potential, lead with presence more than actions, innovation, authenticity, power in partnership, we all have gifts, everything always works out as it unfolds, flow

5 - The Opportunist

Thought - Reconciliation

Emotion - Peace

Action - Acceptance

 win/lose:  we both win, if not, let’s play a different game

words/phrases: I understand you, success comes from within, there are no problems, only opportunities,  confidence, calmness, fulfillment, openness, little judgement, curious, proactive, entrepreneurial, transparent, solution focused and action oriented

4 - The Caregiver

Thought - Concern

Emotion - Compassion

Action - Service

win/lose:  you win, I’m ok

 words/phrases: gratitude, caring, trust, generosity, helpful, teaching, self-care, volunteering, supporting, playfulness, noting taken personally, I’ll do it, do you need help with that, nurturing, no need to compete, lead from heart, fix, heal, faith

3 - The Rationalizer

Thought - Responsibility

Emotion - Forgiveness

Action -Cooperation

win/lose: I win, it’s ok if you do too

 words/phrases: respond vs. react, tolerate, cope, forgive, everyone is different and that’s ok, relief, peace of mind, justification, release, worry doubt and fear vanish, I’m sure this will all, work out fine, focus on short term goal achievement, can avoid block and release negativity 

_______________above/below the line______________

*it’s important to note, the Level 1 and 2 are instinctual. They are where the flight/fight response signals live. They keep us alive. Thing is though, not everything is a life or death situation so when we bring that energy to our everyday life, it may not be favorable.  

2 - The Fighter

Thought - Conflict

Emotion - Anger

Action - Fight/Defiance

win/lose: I win, you lose (the only way a win is felt here is if someone lose

 words/phrases: I’m right you’re wrong, I know better than you, hatred, resentment, pride,

entitlement, blame, greed, discord, antagonize, struggle, resistance, stress, control ,

force, my actions are justified, If I want something done right I have to do it myself

1 - The VictimThought - Victim

Emotion - Apathy

Action - Lethargy

win/lose: I lose, you win

words/phrases: I hate myself, I have no choice, I don’t matter, I’m not valuable or valued, guilt, self-doubt, hopeless, powerless, embarrassment, fear, worry, anxiety, work in crisis mode, avoid confrontation, low self-esteem, won’t move decisions forward, unproductive

Interesting yes? You may have found yourself noticing that you recognize yourself on multiple levels, and that’s ok. It’s important to note, none of us “are” a level. We all experience these levels in our lives and even daily. So some introspective questions for you.

Taking in consideration the list above, where do you see the levels play out in your:

Place of work?

Intimate relationship?

Social relationships? 

Relationships with your siblings, parents, children?

When you think about your future? 

Ability to communicate what you mean?

Overall physical health and vitality?

Also considering your emotional health as it relates to the levels, in what of the areas of your life are you fully and appropriately expressive of your emotions? 

In what areas are you more repressed in your expression of your emotions?

Are there any differences in the last two questions and if so, then why?

Last question and it’s a whopper of one - ready?

If you were able to fully and appropriately express your thoughts/feelings, and help others do the same, what might be the benefit to you, those around you, and your overall satisfaction of your job and home life? 

I’d thought you’d recognize that. I recommend that you allocate some real time into answering these questions, you may find some nuggets that will most certainly have you like……….

“All I do is win! win! win!”

And if you goin’ in, put your hands in the air and make ‘em stay there!”

P. o s i t i v e E. n e r gy A. c t i v a t e s C. o n s t a n t E. l e v a t i o n

HOW TO MAKE A GOAL AND STICK TO IT

Goals are a fickle thing. Sometimes they seem like great big ideas we stumbled upon in a moment of inspiration and at other times, they seem like painful little reminders of what we really want, but will never accomplish. What’s even weirder is that sometimes we would rather not accomplish them at all because if we did, we would be done with the chase!

Ahhh, the thrill of the chase. The thing that gets us going. Our reason. Our WHY.

Anyone ever heard of Simon Sinek? Famous author and motivational speaker?

Sinek has spent countless hours and research on “The WHY”. According to Sinek, one of the best ways to discover what your life’s purpose is to discover WHY you want to embark on such a journey to begin with. 

Powerful stuff. This excerpt is straight off of his site, www.simonsinek.com

“Whether you are an entrepreneur, an employee, a leader of a team, or are looking to find clarity on your next move, your WHY is the one constant that will guide you toward fulfillment in your work and life.”

Yes!!! Your NEXT move. Clarity. Fulfillment. I love this and I am on soooooo on board. 

Sinek is on point with his message and if I might add, in my opinion, not only is starting with WHY important when it comes to beginnings, it’s also worth taking a look at starting with YOU.

WHY-O-YOU.

WHO you are, determines WHAT you do and HOW you do it. This is the origin of it all and getting clear on who you are is a significant first step towards fulfillment.

Clarity is King or Queen. That being said, let’s see what you are made of.

The WHO Checklist:

•  I know who I am, my strengths and blindspots

•  I know how I like to learn and how my mind processes information and makes judgements on that information

• I know my values uniquely mine and the top value among all others that is the driving force behind my motivation

• I know what my beliefs are and how to navigate them in a world that holds many beliefs

• I understand my energy and when to upshift and downshift energetically to elicit an appropriate response

• I know what my talents and gifts are and how they fit in synergistically with the rest of the world

When you are super clear on these statements, your WHY becomes that much more apparent. You will begin to realize what you are fit for and the tracks you are best suited to run on.

So suit up! Because the goal is to enjoy the ride (with style and grace of course) without expectation of hitting your goal because frankly, your destination is inevitable. 

So what’s your goal? What do you want to accomplish that will move the needle in the direction simply feeling awesome about yourself and at the same time, impacting others? Want to start a business? Want to be an amazing parent? Want to get in the best shape of your life? What is it that you want and how do you get it.?

Let’s look at the classic example of wanting to get in shape.

Goal: To lose 20 lbs

Problem: I hate going to the gym. 

Pretty common goal (and dilemma) for many. For me, instead of figuring out WHY someone wants to lose the weight and what it would mean to them to do so, looking at WHO someone is BEING (yanno, human being) moment to moment is so much more powerful.

“Each moment gives us an opportunity to decide if thats WHO we want to be”

- Bruce Schneider

The above quote is one of my absolute favorites. It points to the fact that there is opportunity in every moment. Check out the Paraphrased scenario below:

:

Desire: I want to lose 20 lbs

Why: So that I can fit into my clothes, not be tired climbing up the stairs, feel confident again

Challenge: I hate the gym

Looking at the above case, is the hatred of the gym the reason one is 20 lbs overweight? No. The reason why the individual is in this predicament is because WHO they are being is someone who allows themselves to be influenced by things outside of their power and control.

WHO they are being is a choice and in this example, they are choosing to be a VICTIM. Beginning any transformation with a victim mindset will surely limit one’s options and creativity in arriving at their destination. 

That being said, what if the same person in this predicament understood exactly who they are “required” (not need) to become in order to really lose 20 lbs? What if they were able to articulate the characteristics of someone who could lose and keep off 20lbs has and emulate them daily?

Now THAT would be a great start!

Just please, when you decide to do this little tactic, do not fall into the comparison trap. That type of judgement will leave you with low energy and that’s no bueno. All I want you to do is identify what you admire and iew it as an insight or a clue, and put it to work for yourself. Cool?

Speaking of traps……

The I AM TRAP

I am FAT.  (false, you have fat, you're a homosapien)

I am a HARD WORKER. (awesome!)

*So what are you saying?*

Rephrase

I am fat because I have so little time due to my demanding job that by the end of the day I am exhausted.

Now that is something that 1000% can happen, and it does, for all of us!

Sometimes there is a believable loop of rationale that occurs in someones’s mind as to why they aren’t able to take action and it stays on repeat. When it gets played chronically, it becomes apart of our process. Unfortunately, that process can leave us with less desirable outcomes (once we actually notice them).

Whatever you are putting on the back burner, just remember, a major reason why you haven’t obtained it quite possible is because you are just unclear on what it takes to get it.

WHO you are determines WHAT………

Everything happens for a decision and WHO, will get you THERE, every-time. 

Decide WHAT you want. Determine HOW to get it. Develop WHO you are required to become and start living into those qualities with intention each and every day. 

Your path will become apparent and the collections of the little wins along the way to your goal of ease, flow and fulfillment will be experienced much sooner, rather than late. 

P. ositive E. nergy A. ctivates C. onstant E. levation

Surviving Your Company Holiday Party: As an Introvert

COMPANY WIDE HOLIDAY PARTY!! YAAY!

Said no introvert ever.

From the conversations we have had in recent weeks with our clients, it appears like the corporate holiday party has once again become for the most inconvenient end of the year obligation. Annoyance overload!

So if you are someone who prefers to respond verse initiate conversations or get super drained from being around too many people, especially the bouncing off the wall loud ones, as a fellow introvert, I got your back!

We have helped several of our clients through certain annoyances and fears such as:

• fear of rejection

• not knowing what to to say or how to respond

• worrying if other people can tell your uncomfortable

• the discomfort from being in-authentic in order to keep the peace

I am going to share with you the top tips we found ourselves giving to our clients to help them survive the party and not be wiped out for the next morning.

Beware of the Time B#### (Knowing your limit) 

Many holiday parties tend to be at the end of the week and even worse, shortly after work on a Friday. For most people, this is not ideal. For an introvert, it can be downright rude. Look, you are an adult and you are in charge of your free time, right? It is okay to give yourself a wellness curfew. This will help you to feel that the time obligation for you to show face at the party is more manageable. You can be respectful of others wishes and honor obligations all the while saving some energy in the tank for the weekend ahead.

Self Soothe

Are you sensitive to the loud noises and all of the extras nuances at big parties? If so, I recommend the you take a break by going to the bathroom or stepping outside for fresh air. Treat it as a retrieval just for you to be able to enjoy yourself and not an escape and a time to be miserable.

Do you tend to overthink about small perceived awkward moments and wonder all night if anyone else noticed how weird you were (or think you are)? Practice grounding yourself in your thoughts that are based in truth and not fear leading up to the party. Truth is everyone is thinking about themselves twice as much as they are thinking about the collective - e-v-e-r-y-one. 

Avoid Drinking More Than One Drink An Hour

Remember your water and pacing. It is easy to misjudge your intake when you are nervous or restless, or better yet, nervous and restless. If you find yourself wanting to drink to calm your nerves, take a moment for yourself remember, dosage is everything. Know your dose to get a bit comfy and not sloshed.

On that note, plan safe arrangements to get home! Safety first :)

Ok Great, But Small Talk

This is when you use your “spidey senses.” Scope the room, find someone else who is by themselves, prep your self to be interested, and initiate the conversation. Enter, courage! Trust me, as an introvert, courage is one of the most essential habits to work on and a party is a great opportunity to do so.

Think of this as treating people how you would like to be treated. Letting others know that they are noticed and seen is a good thing. Plus, it is typically easier to hear one person over a group when music is playing.  When approaching someone, access your extroverted side. Everyone has one. Get crazy! Kidding.

Focus Your Self Talk

Think to yourself “I could like this person.” Intentionally focus on the opportunity for you to have a positive outcome and keep it realistic.  Another self talk example , “This person seems nice.” It is common for people to be kind to someone who comes to sit or stand with them at a party. Even introverts can connect randomly and end up having a great time. Perhaps you might make a new connection!

F.R.O.M. is Your Friend: From / Recreation / Occupation / Motivation

This is a classic social skills conversation starter that comes from sales research. The research is based on how to create a comfortable conversation without high pressure sales tactics. Turns out this is approach is great for all of us when we are striking up a conversation with someone we don’t know that well. 

(From) Where do you live?

(Recreation) What is fun around that area?

(Occupation) Who else is in your department?

(Motivation) What led you to this career?

Don’t Try To Be Interesting, Be Interested

It is too much pressure on yourself. The best way to keep small talk from being awkward is to show the other person that you find them and their answers interesting. This goes back to the beloved quote from Maya Angelou “People will forget what you said, People will forget what you did, but people will not forget how you mean them feel” (Also, another reminder to not replay or overthink any one thing you said in a conversation).

Ultimately, holiday parties do not have to be something to dread. Focus on what makes sense for you as an individual and remember, as an introvert you are great at listening and responding. Stay curious, interested, and most of all, have fun! You earned it!

Did you have your holiday party already? What do you do to make the best of it? Leave in the comments below.

Why People Misunderstand Anxiety

Did you ever play the game called “telephone” growing up? One kid whispered a secret message into the ear of the kid next to him. That kid then whispered the “same” message into the ear of the kid next to her. On and on each kid would whisper the message around the circle until you came to the last kid, who would then announce the secret message aloud.

Often the final message sounded nothing like the original message. That’s because every person has their own way of hearing and sharing information. Sometimes it’s accurate – sometimes it’s not.

In this way, you could say that language is a necessary evil. Without it we would not be able to share ideas and information with each other. But when each person has their own language filters, information can become skewed.

If you are seeking an anxiety disorder coach, we are here to assist you. Personal information and language filters can make discussing and understanding anxiety disorders difficult. While we all experience anxious moments from time to time, 18% of adults in the United States are actually affected by a form of anxiety disorder.

But how many times have you heard a friend or a coworker say something like, “I was totally having a panic attack yesterday when you didn’t show up!” They weren’t actually having a panic attack, they were merely concerned you were late.

When everyone assumes they have an issue with anxiety, they believe they have first-hand experience of the disorder and therefor know what it is. But using certain language that may or may not be accurate to convey a common feeling (ie – being nervous before a job interview) is not the same thing as truly knowing something.

Panic Disorder VS Social Anxiety

There are two main types of anxiety disorder and for this discussion, it’s important to make the distinction between each.

Panic Disorder

People who have been diagnosed with and suffer from panic disorder believe very strongly that the “panic attacks” they experience mean something is physically very wrong with them. For instance, many sufferers believe they are having a heart attack. Some may believe the dizziness and shortness of breath is a result of some serious and undiagnosed illness such as a brain tumor.

Social Anxiety Disorder (Social Phobia)

People with social anxiety disorder experience anxiety when faced with social situations. They do not believe their anxiety is related to an illness or disease, yet have little control over their fear of social interactions. Their anxiety becomes debilitating when the person feels they may be singled out, embarrassed or ridiculed.

People who suffer from social anxiety disorder will do anything to alleviate their fear. This means decreasing the amount of social interactions they have on a daily basis as much as possible. This disorder negatively impacts the person’s ability to emotionally connect with others, and holds them back in their career and academic life.

Because of language discrepancies, those who don’t have an anxiety disorder sometimes believe they do, while those that do may assume they don’t.

The main point to get across here is this:

It is normal to feel anxious, fearful and worried from time to time. But feeling anxiety on a daily basis, to the point where you are concerned for your physical health or are compromising your career and personal relationships is not normal.

Anxiety Disorders Are Treatable

No one should have to live with a debilitating anxiety disorder. The good news is, anxiety disorders are treatable. A therapist can help to uncover the root cause of the fear and provide tools and strategies to cope.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.