How to Conquer Your Self Sabotage and Become Happier

How Being a Rebellious Rebel is Ruining Your Happiness

Each and everyone of us has some steel in us (some more than others). However, there are those of us who either consciously or unconsciously double down on that “hardness”. If you’re someone that is concerned with becoming successful and wants to experience success in all of  its fullness AND haven’t yet, then chances are this is the reason why. 

Since success is subjective, our ability to attract and deflect it lies solely on how we begin to understand what being successful actually means to us specifically. Some people may feel success can be as simple as being happy you opened your eyes to see another day. For others,  it could mean financial security.

Whatever people’s own personal success definition is, one thing is for certain, it is their individual responsibility to take the necessary steps to receive it and become the person who can. 

“Get Rich or Die Tryin'' was the title to the debut studio album released by rapper 50 Cent back in 2003. Considering the financial success of the empire he has built, this title alludes to his motivation on delivering on that mantra (as do many others). 

Get rich = make the type of money that exceeds the norm

Die trying = the pursuit of the goal before death comes for you

Is the point of life to get rich? Is that what he means? Or is it a means to create more opportunities for yourself and others while you can? 

A physical death is inevitable and awaits for us all. A mental, emotional and spiritual death can be had while still breathing! Many of us do an exceptional job at building up walls keeping success from us. If this happens to be you, you may be conducting an act of unconscious rebellion. 

REBELLION. TO REBEL. TO RESIST. SURVIVE!

Every living thing on the planet is wired for survival. Even something as small as a gnat looks to escape being killed by a swatting hand. As human beings, our survival instincts (fight or flight mechanisms) can be used in inappropriate ways and sometimes, we can live life just like a bug.

Getting out of the way of a car so as not to get hit is a reflex, just like a gnat who does the Ali shuffle around your floundering hand. No thinking involved, just reaction. 

How annoying would it be to have to always escape danger? It’s anxiety provoking and in order to NOT have to feel anxious all the time, building an attitude of resistance is the next best thing and more prepared we are. We build a reflex to win quickly so that we can carry on. 

Ever try having a conversation and a gnat starts doing it’s gnat thing, being super annoying, like the silent “G” in its name.

Buzz. Swat. Whiff. Ignore. 

Buzz. Swat. Whiff. Kind of ignored.

Buzz. SWAT. WHIFF. WTfuhhhhhhh!?

Ok, this is getting out of hand, and now you are faced with a choice. Respond by wiping off your sweat, moving to another spot, etc or react and focus on the KILL! 

KILLING IS MY BUSINESS LADIES AND BIZZ.NESS. IS. GOOD! (tell me you know what line that movie is from!!!!)

What a scene! Two gangsters going hard at each other. Who wins? Who reached success? Who knows? All that I know is that little encounter, to me, symbolizes the Get Rich or Die Trying mantra. 

Success is a FEELING and the things that make you FEEL successful (I killed the gnat, I get to end the annoyance  AND I get to stay right where I prefer to stay on my terms) is the goal (until the next gnat comes along because, you know, insects in the summer). 

So how do we keep KILLING our own success? How do we keep whiffing on the feeling we REALLY want to feel? 

By remaining AND relying on our basic instincts influence a majority of our decisions. Fight or Flight. The role of the Victim or The REBEL!

The REBELLIOUS REBEL

What are the characteristics of the rebellious rebel type? It’s someone who loves control. It’s someone who thinks with a “conflict consciousness”. They feel STRONGLY. They believe that the majority of  their actions are justified. They love living on “their terms”. Being super authentic is their jam and something they take pride in. 

Rebellious Rebels are concerned with being right and WINNING (but at the expense of someone, something else losing). They can’t fathom ever being wrong, because if they were to acknowledge they are, they would feel defenseless, scared, and controlled. They say what people want to hear but do ONLY what they want. 

Sounds like an annoying person right? Sound like you? Sound like someone you know? Sound like it could be you in isolated instances? 

Everyone is or has been a rebellious rebel at some point and in some parts of their life and presents in challenges with their:

Weight management and health, time management, communication style, inability to foster collaboration, finishing projects, staying consistent and organized, paying bills on time, being intimate, developing or staying is a loving relationship, commitment issues,  the list goes on and on and on. 

The rebellious rebel is very much the opposite of its counterpart (the purrty little people pleaser). The “R.R” is not concerned with backing down or avoiding and running away from a fight! Nope, conflict is how they roll (and even how they prefer to get to the truth). Self - sacrificing and putting themselves last NOT cool, even if they do it for a bit. 

A rebellious rebel LOVES “keeping it real”. 

“Real'' familiar that is. The land of the familiar is a place the R.R. loves to play. My way has and always will be “the right way” despite the messaging I am getting from the outside world or even my own body!

If you never were able to get into the body you wanted, despite multiple efforts, there is a high probability you have  become familiar with “disappointment”. Therefore you may “resist” against finding another way of getting fit and staying committed long enough to produce the outcome you seek. 

Get Fit or Die Tryin’.

If you are someone who struggled for a large portion of your life and had to “fight” for everything you have, there is a high probability you may identify with NEEDING things to be hard, challenging and chaotic so you can bring your “best stuff” and  feel “successful”. 

Get Tough or Die Tryin’

If you never were able to make the kind of money you want despite all of your efforts, there is a high probability that you might become familiar with “struggle and frustration” thus you take certain actions (and inactions) that attract those situations. 

Get Rich or Die Tryin’.

Living in the familiar can work for AND against you. If you are familiar with ease, peace, and what it takes to experience those feelings, then life is HIGH ENERGY. Adversely, if you are familiar with frustration, anger, and feeling misunderstood, then the results of that LOW ENERGY will award you with being the “Undisputed, Undefeated, Rebellious Champion of the WORLLLLLD!”

TIME TO REMOVE YOUR EMOTIONAL CHAOS AND KILL YOUR REBEL

Stop acting like you have it all together! It’s ok to accept that you aren't perfect and there is work to do. Persist eliminating your resistance. 

Your philosophy on how you do things isn’t working as well as you want it to. If you do not have…..

Your money where you want it to be

Deeply connected relationships 

A calm and relaxed mindset

A sense of relaxation and ease

Faith that things will work out

The ability to start and finish projects

In the healthiest body you could be in

A sense of playfulness and overall joyful temperament

A sense of direction to where your life is going

A real sense of self and high self-esteem

More productive days verse busy days

A flexible mindset that allows you to learn and adapt

…...then I suggest instead of searching for success, put your focus on the walls you built up around allowing success to find you! 

In order to end the chaos YOU create internally AND externally, start learning how to kill your REBEL by doing the following:

NAME YOUR LITTLE B### (brat that is) 

Since blame is the name of the game of the rebellious rebel, taking personal responsibility may be difficult (at first). So in order to make the first baby steps towards “owning it”, blame the part of you that resists doing what it takes to feel what real success is for you. 

Ex: For someone who feels as if they have a million things to do and is overwhelmed BUT refuses to write things down and COMMIT to getting organized because their BRAT prefers to “wing-it”, call the BRAT out by its name. 

Hey (insert brat’s name)! STOP! You are not helping me here. I no longer need your coaching and philosophy. I am currently in the process of becoming more organized and present. I am pursuing focused on what it feels like to be calm.  

IDENTIFY WHAT SUCCESS FEELS LIKE TO YOU

As I mentioned earlier. Success is a feeling, nothing more. Since feelings can be experienced before a tangible, scalable end goal is met, it’s important to determine what are the specific FEELINGS you want to experience each and every day. 

I have a client who is very successful financially. He is able to do this through hard work, dedication, and the willingness to WIN. His challenge was in the way he was going about his success. 

He had built up a tremendous defense system against ever being controlled (his unconscious fear). Therefore, one of his strengths was his ability to create compelling arguments based on facts. Being a very intelligent person, he relied on his logic and the proven systems and logic of others to come to his conclusions. Therefore, he could never be wrong. 

The thing is though, in relationships, especially intimate ones, logic seldom trumps LOVE (and we all know how illogical  love can be). 

So a large portion of our work together was learning how to be “happy” versus being “right” and speaking more from his heart  than his head FIRST. He learned how to rely on using his logic to impact a financial bottom line in business, and his heart to impact his EMOTIONAL bottom line in his relationships. 

LET IT GO AND LET IT FLOW

There is a path to prosperity and abundance of positive emotional well being. Check out the bulleted points below.

• Absolute Passion -7

• Joy - 6

• Peace - 5

• Compassion - 4

• Forgiveness - 3

• Anger - 2

• Apathy - 1

From 1 - 7 you may be able to notice the difference in ENERGY that each word holds with number 1 & 2 being signifying low emotional energy. If you are confused as to why “anger” is considered a low energy word, it is because it contains a low energetic vibe (even if it feels empowering because of its lack of sustainability).

The word “forgiveness” in the third slot is the first level at which you can begin to create some sustainability and “breathing” room in your mind and body. 

All words 4 - 7 are where the “good life” lives. It's where connection, empathy, intuition, opportunity, creativity, collaboration, purpose, presence, and THE MONEY is! 

Read through the words again and imagine the times you experienced each emotion. What were you thinking? What were you doing? Who were you doing it with? What else comes up?

If you are experiencing LESS of the words in purple, then my friend, you are rebelling against generating those feelings by living in the red words AND even the BLUE word. 

EVEN the blue word, FORGIVENESS, how? Although being able to forgive allows you to move away from resistance and away from harboring resentment, blame, anger and feelings of entitlement, the energetic vibration of forgiveness can leave the door of  toleration and complacency open.  

Forgiveness is a GREAT beginning, but not the end. Create an energy of forgiveness so you can let GO of the people who you feel traumatized by. Learn to use forgiveness to break from your resentment, fear and struggle. Use it to break your addiction to the feeling of disappointment and 100% use it  to break free from your rejection issues (even the ones you prevented to never feel as you observed how others got rejected). 

STEP INTO REALITY AND LEAVE FANTASY ISLAND

It can be a real wake up call to take ownership. Realizing you always have had the ability to make each and every decision prior to, during, and after the fact of any event can be scary. It can also be LIBERATING!

Ask yourself these questions. 

• Did I come into my relationship with the secret expectation of my significant getting my needs met?

• Where do I choose conflict in my life? With whom? 

• Where do I create chaos in my life?

• How often do I expect people to have the ability to read my mind so I don’t have to articulate myself?

• On a scale of 1-10, how patient am I?

• How much do I expect others to be exactly like me?

• How addicted am I to drama, really?

• Where has jealousy helped me “test” if someone actually loves me?

• How often do I allow my challenges with abandonment to make me be nice and kind, even when I don’t want (so I can make sure they never leave me)?

• Why do I prefer to believe the lie that working in crisis mode makes me bring my best stuff?

• Where am I being inauthentic?

• What would happen if I reallocated my focus away from win/loss scenarios? 

• Why do I resent people?

• What aspects of others do I absolutely despise and how do they mirror those aspects in me?

• Where has FOMO (the fear of missing out) become more important than producing results that will give me the life I deserve?

If you resonate with any of those questions and really take the time to answer them in a journal, congrats! You are in the process of awareness and forgiveness! 

That’s amazing! Not even kidding! Listen, you are an amazing person. You got the goods, the juice. You have the ability to “kill your master, aka, the REBELLIOUS REBEL inside of you. You can absolutely become a success RIGHT NOW if you choose to. Will it take work? Absolutely! Will it be worth it? Absolutely! 

I would love to hear from you. If you want to ever have a serious conversation about what possibilities await for you when you address some of the challenges mentioned above so that you can experience more connections, harmony, peace, presence, and purpose in your life email me at chris@coachingandcounslingct.com .

When you do, please put in the subject heading “Want a Powerful Conversation”. I will reach back out within 48 hours. 

In the interim, if you have Facebook, hit me with a friend request so you can get more access to my stuff. 

https://www.facebook.com/christophermichaeljackson

Peace and Blessings friend!

~ Coach Chris

How to Win at Work, Home, and Everywhere Else!

All I do is win, win, win no matter what!

That song never gets old for me. It literally makes me smile as I bob my head while pointing my finger in the air, spitting out the words like a declaration of past accomplishments and victories to come. 

I love the feeling of winning. Don’t you? I mean, what’s the alternative? Losing? No thank you. 

This article is all about the energy of winning and how to experience more of it and what it means for you and everyone else in your circle of influence. 

So, when it comes to winning well, how do we get this done? One word. Awareness! Winning is a feeling. It’s an expression, and emotion. It can also be a goal. No matter what it is, I want to make this very clear right away: winning is a way of being. 

Being that we are humans, we have a vast array of emotions and even more opportunities to explore and express them. 

If you were able to fully and appropriately express your thoughts/feelings, and help others do the same, what might be the benefit to you, those around you, and your overall satisfaction of your job and home life? 

Our behaviors and the actions we take are heavily influenced by the way we want to feel. Those feelings are elicited by a core thought, whether conscious or unconscious. 

Everything we experience has a purpose and emotions are the signals for our mind and body to notice and act upon. This is why it is imperative to build our emotional awareness to a place in which you realize that our emotions are not automatic, but come from our interpretations of an events. 

Perspective is everything.

The lens in which you view the world are influenced by the way you take in information and make value judgments on that information according to our values, beliefs, and thoughts. Thus, the combination informs us how we are indeed, experiencing winning and losing. 

There is a framework that I teach in which I refer to “above the line living”. 

Above the line living is a space where I invite people to play to experience a more expansive lifestyle, one where the judgement we have on ourselves and others lessen. This is extremely freeing and allows for a more authentic way of being. It’s where the “real” winning is done. It’s a place where you can experience more joy, peace, acceptance, patience, synergy, smiles, high fives and money.

Yes! Money! Who like ease money (not easy money - but I will take that too!)

So what does this framework look like and how can I use it to win at work, home and everywhere else? I’ll show you.

Above the Line Living

Below are 7 different levels or lenses in which you can see the world. You will notice that each level has a noun designated to it as well as a core thought (T), emotion (E), and action (A).  Also for each level, you will also notice different ways winning and losing shows up with the associate words and phrases. As you read through the list below, take a mental note where it is in your life you tend to play and with whom. 

7 - The Creator

Thought - Non Judgement

Emotion - Absolute Passion

Action - Creation

win/lose:  no such thing as winning and losing

words/phrases: life is not a game to be won or lost, only played, unconditional love, there is no good or bad, right or wrong, fearlessness

6 - The Visionary

Thought - Synthesis

Emotion - Joy

Action - Wisdom

win/lose:  everyone wins all of the time

words/phrases: we, empathy, intuition, everything has meaning/value, oneness, help others  realize their potential, lead with presence more than actions, innovation, authenticity, power in partnership, we all have gifts, everything always works out as it unfolds, flow

5 - The Opportunist

Thought - Reconciliation

Emotion - Peace

Action - Acceptance

 win/lose:  we both win, if not, let’s play a different game

words/phrases: I understand you, success comes from within, there are no problems, only opportunities,  confidence, calmness, fulfillment, openness, little judgement, curious, proactive, entrepreneurial, transparent, solution focused and action oriented

4 - The Caregiver

Thought - Concern

Emotion - Compassion

Action - Service

win/lose:  you win, I’m ok

 words/phrases: gratitude, caring, trust, generosity, helpful, teaching, self-care, volunteering, supporting, playfulness, noting taken personally, I’ll do it, do you need help with that, nurturing, no need to compete, lead from heart, fix, heal, faith

3 - The Rationalizer

Thought - Responsibility

Emotion - Forgiveness

Action -Cooperation

win/lose: I win, it’s ok if you do too

 words/phrases: respond vs. react, tolerate, cope, forgive, everyone is different and that’s ok, relief, peace of mind, justification, release, worry doubt and fear vanish, I’m sure this will all, work out fine, focus on short term goal achievement, can avoid block and release negativity 

_______________above/below the line______________

*it’s important to note, the Level 1 and 2 are instinctual. They are where the flight/fight response signals live. They keep us alive. Thing is though, not everything is a life or death situation so when we bring that energy to our everyday life, it may not be favorable.  

2 - The Fighter

Thought - Conflict

Emotion - Anger

Action - Fight/Defiance

win/lose: I win, you lose (the only way a win is felt here is if someone lose

 words/phrases: I’m right you’re wrong, I know better than you, hatred, resentment, pride,

entitlement, blame, greed, discord, antagonize, struggle, resistance, stress, control ,

force, my actions are justified, If I want something done right I have to do it myself

1 - The VictimThought - Victim

Emotion - Apathy

Action - Lethargy

win/lose: I lose, you win

words/phrases: I hate myself, I have no choice, I don’t matter, I’m not valuable or valued, guilt, self-doubt, hopeless, powerless, embarrassment, fear, worry, anxiety, work in crisis mode, avoid confrontation, low self-esteem, won’t move decisions forward, unproductive

Interesting yes? You may have found yourself noticing that you recognize yourself on multiple levels, and that’s ok. It’s important to note, none of us “are” a level. We all experience these levels in our lives and even daily. So some introspective questions for you.

Taking in consideration the list above, where do you see the levels play out in your:

Place of work?

Intimate relationship?

Social relationships? 

Relationships with your siblings, parents, children?

When you think about your future? 

Ability to communicate what you mean?

Overall physical health and vitality?

Also considering your emotional health as it relates to the levels, in what of the areas of your life are you fully and appropriately expressive of your emotions? 

In what areas are you more repressed in your expression of your emotions?

Are there any differences in the last two questions and if so, then why?

Last question and it’s a whopper of one - ready?

If you were able to fully and appropriately express your thoughts/feelings, and help others do the same, what might be the benefit to you, those around you, and your overall satisfaction of your job and home life? 

I’d thought you’d recognize that. I recommend that you allocate some real time into answering these questions, you may find some nuggets that will most certainly have you like……….

“All I do is win! win! win!”

And if you goin’ in, put your hands in the air and make ‘em stay there!”

P. o s i t i v e E. n e r gy A. c t i v a t e s C. o n s t a n t E. l e v a t i o n